Love is in the air

Written by Sandra Hudson

Love is in the air, everywhere you look around, love is in the air every sight and every sound.

I’m a romantic. John Paul Young’s lyrics speak to me.

Early in our marriage, John convinced me love is not something that happens to us, love is something we make happen. Our love could be as strong and as enduring as we wanted it to be; it was our choice.

We believe we can excel in love, just as we can excel in academics, sports, career, childrearing — you name it. All that is required is awareness, contemplation, compassion, skill building, commitment and practice.

I don’t want to make light of the difficulties and the complexities of marriage. At times I am sure it would be simpler to negotiate an international peace treaty than to negotiate some of my emotion-laden marital conflicts. We may have an understanding of the dynamics of expectations, attitudes, communication, reinforcement and presentation of self. Yet, applying what we “know” to our daily “actions” is difficult.

We dance through life to a different melody than most couples. The popular view of love is something magical that sweeps you off your feet and into courtship and marriage. A tornado of hearts that envelopes you and carries you aloft into euphoria to live happily ever after. If that’s the case, why are so many surprised to discover when the whirlwinds stop, they have been deposited on the field of divorce?

Win-win negotiation is what helps us through the stress every marriage encounters. Our goal is to get what we want by helping our partner get what they want.

Remember the proverbial baked potato that one person cuts in half, and the other gets first choice? That’s a typical compromise. A quick, easy response, but never the best solution. Active probing and listening, on the other hand, would reveal that John prefers the soft inside of the potato, while I prefer the crunchy outer skin. Win–win negotiation makes it possible for both of us to have exactly what we want.

Compromise means both sides fail to some degree, some dissatisfaction always remains, and those little dissatisfactions can grow into a grudgeful monster. Win-win negotiation does not end in compromise. That is where it begins.

Clearly, not every disagreement requires negotiation. We have both developed skill in conflict triage. Some things are too small or insignificant to require intensive care. Instead, we just acknowledge the existence of our difference and cover it with a band-aid, knowing it will heal.

If we have a difference of opinion that can be proven one way or another, there is no need to prolong the discussion. I place a wager I’m right. I bet five kisses, or something else we both enjoy, and get on with it. That’s a true win-win situation.

If the disagreement is about something that can’t be proved, yet doesn’t make a difference in the big picture of my life, I find it very stress-reducing to be the first to utter those three profound little words of love ... “You’re probably right.”

We both use “Getting to Yes” negotiation techniques. The small book is a quick read with a powerful message, and still in print 27 years after first being published. It greatly increases the probability our negotiations will result in both of us humming, “Love is in the Air.”

E-mail me an idea you use to strengthen love. “Love is in the Air” on the subject line will ensure my anti-spam software doesn’t delete you.

Sandra Hudson is involved in arts and culture events in the Iowa City area and statewide. She retired to Iowa City in 1998. She can be reached at Sandra.L.Hudson@att.net.